04 February 2008

Beautiful morning - Interesting Experience...

This morning early, after the Desteni chat session, I decided that as it seemed to be coming up to a beautiful day - very little cloud or wind - that I would attempt the bike ride to the local large shopping mall, which I estimated to be about an hour's journey away as some of it is uphill, which I would have to walk. Well, I did walk some of the way, but it only took me three quarters of an hour. I took along a bill to pay; but then I realised, its Sunday, they won't be open. Anyway, I proved to myself that the trip there was able to be done in about 45 minutes; the return journey took about 35.

On the way back - nearly home - I stopped for a rest at one of the beach-side picnic tables, under the shade of a large fig tree; and while I was sitting there, I was joined by a wiry-looking individual wearing shorts and carrying a backpack, who also came for a rest and a drink of water from the nearby drinking fountain. He seemed in talkative mood, and we got talking.

It seems that he was in a heck of a lot of trouble, and I was reminded of B's saying I would need to choose my words carefully in any assistance I gave... This man, who probably was not of Aboriginal extraction, but had an Aboriginal wife and kids, had apparently got on the wrong side of one of the "high-ups" associated with the police, and as a result, the police had been harrassing him and had broken down his house doors to get in and search the place. This left it unlockable; and thieves had got in and stolen most of his possessions and taken them to the local pawn shop thingy to get money. The shop has to report all intakes to the police in case they've been stolen; they knew these things were stolen, but the police would do nothing about it. Meanwhile, my man friend had threatened the neighbour because (he says) he knew he was implicated, and consequently had a court order made against him that he couldn't come within 500 metres of his neighbour's place - effectively denying him the use of his own home! Well of course, he said to himself that this was unbelievably ridiculous, and went to get some belongings from his own house, and was immediately "shopped" by the neighbours; and now faces another court case about that. His children have been taken into care by the government and secreted away, his wife is goodness knows where and he's out on the street, homeless as of now. There's lots more that I won't go into; but it did appear on the face of it, that this man's world has just crashed around his ears in a most exasperating and even terrifying way.

It is apparent to me that this situation (as far as I am concerned) is a test - what will I do? I have to say that my life up until now has never brought up for me such a situation, even as personal hearsay; but of course we have been warned that things will get tougher and more and more crazy... so this is probably a taste of what is to come. I decided that I would at least be a "good listener" and let the man get it off his chest - he said at one point that he was desperate and just about "losing it"...

I had been warned by my own son when I came to this town that the Aboriginal people were violent and really bad news to get entangled with; it appears that this man has done just that, and is paying for it big-time. Of course, its just systems going berserk... but a mighty dangerous situation to be in. Alcohol and drug abuse are a real problem in this area - I hadn't realised the extent of this until I got here.

So anyway, when the man asked for some money for something to eat, I had to evaluate for myself, is this story a lot of clever BS or is this man in real need of a little support? I find it very hard to decide on this... breathe, GodFree, breathe!
But in the end I decided to support him by giving him $10 to get breakfast, and he did say he would take it as a loan, and when he got his situation sorted out, he would repay me. So we'll see what happens. I didn't have any contrary indication when making this decision, although I realise that these things are subtle, and I could have been self-dishonest somewhere in my motivation. I have to admit that I felt a bit mean to be contemplating denying this man a few dollars while I'm sitting beside a shiny new bike - obviously with enough money to buy that... so that's something I must forgive self for... and after all, he is another part of me! And I would not want to be in his situation - which is a fear thing that also needs to be released. I think that's the major mirror for me - this thing of staring an uncertain future in the face. At least I'm not a violent person on the surface; but I recognise that I may be underneath, in the unconscious. And I have never been able to deal effectively with violent people, but they must be a mirror for me somehow.

One is advised to review what happens in these events, look at what could be done with more effectiveness, and integrate that. There are a number of things I could have pointed out to this chap - that violence begets more violence, that getting even is not a healthy option, that clarity as to what one's aims truly are is important, that all life is one, for instance.

I have found it particularly difficult to word forgiveness statements for this event - this tends to reveal that self-honesty is not present - I will have to go deeper into this at length. Perhaps more to follow...
Fears are the main things I see to forgive and clear -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the possibility of becoming homeless;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to the belief that I could be worthy of not having any place to go to in this world;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I could be attacked and violated by someone;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering from an attack before I die;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering from privation and hunger unto death;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about having a new bicycle and yet not being willing to share my resources, and thus being governed in my actions by this guilt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a negative reaction if I direct, as all as one as equal, a person whose words reveal that they need direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to become aware as me, as all as one as equal, of what action to take in a situation that arises.
I AM HERE: I do not accept or allow these fears or guilty feelings any more; I express Who I Am without fear and with self-honesty as the breath, as Life!

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