Diagnosis of a recent problem

This is an example of work I did to deal with a problem I was experiencing:

DIAGNOSIS SESSION - - 19 FEB 08 - - "FEELING SLEEPY / SHITTY"
When I wake up in the morning, I feel very sluggish and vaguely unwell, and desire to turn over and go back to sleep instead of getting up and going about my day. This has been going on for some weeks now, even a month or two. Two or three years ago I could wake up and feel instantly awake and ready to go. It has slowly begun to degrade, until now it is almost disabling - I spend quite a few hours of the day sleeping.

Results of pendulum testing:
(0) My Body, dimensional guidance, pendulum as me as all as one and equal - can you tell me what is causing this condition, and how to resolve it?
= yes
Is there any blockage that would prevent me from getting this info?
= no

(1) What is the basic problem? - depression - over-toxicity - not doing enough self-forgiveness / self correction - faulty nutrition - not "moving" myself - fear of the future - something else than these?
= Fear of the future

(2) Is this fear of the future basically founded upon: -fear of lack of money - fear of having no ability to experience myself in South Africa - fear of death - fear that living will get too uncomfortable soon - fear of increasing ill-health - fear of homelessness -fear of boredom with diet - something else?
= fear of lack of money; fear of homelessness

(3) Will it be most effective to write about my fears of these things, and then do self-forgiveness / self correction on them? Do I need to resolve them in another way?
= Write, then do s/f and s/c on points that turn up

Writing about: My fear of lack of money...

When my sweet wife died, and we sold our house, I had about $120,000 AUD; debts associated with her burial amounted to about $5,000 or so (from memory); I bought a new small car to last me for the remainder of my driving life, and a new computer to replace an aging one - total about $25,000; a camper-trailer for about $7,000, which left me with about $83,000 - not really enough to invest to live on, and anyway, there were things I wanted to pursue "in the life time left for me", which of course I could not predict - better get onto them before it was too late! So I joined the ascension school that I had been following through the internet, and this necessitated me to attend Intensives and twice-yearly public events overseas. This led to some memorable times but literally ATE up the money, $5,000 to $8,000 at a time (fees, mostly travel and accommodation). Yet to me it was an Earth service which I seemed able and having been prepared by life to do, so I threw heart and soul into doing it while I still had the opportunity to do so. I now know that (according to Desteni research) I was probably programmed to do this, so really I had no choice, whatever choice I thought I had.... and it was all to little avail. It was a preparation for Desteni to an extent.

While at the school, it was suggested that perhaps I would like to investigate getting an Aura Camera for the use in the school events; and meantime I could make money on it by working with it as a business at home in Aussie. At first I realised that the equipment offering was far too expensive for me to acquire; but eventually a cheaper alternative came to my notice - "only" eight and a half thousand dollars. We tested was this the right one, etc., etc., and it seemed to be, and I bought it. However, it did not work out as planned... I took it to a New Age Expo at a town over 1000 kms away necessitating two overnight stops to get there, and discovered to my dismay that the equipment was not working properly... I wasted over a thousand dollars on that trip. The Aura Imager had to be returned to the US to be overhauled - another expense. Upon return of the Imager, I set up with a local crystal shop to go there and do readings for customers; but only a few customers were interested, and eventually the shop closed, and I found that no other shopkeepers in the area would touch my Aura Imager with a barge-pole - they felt it would scare customers away! It was not generating enough income to warrant getting my own premises, and I was forbidden to run a business from my rented home, so there the equipment sat - a "white elephant". Going to local folk markets didn't work either. I was passionate about educating people about their "energetic nature", so it had seemed a good idea.

Time was now here when I couldn't afford to go to any more ascension school events, and after about a year was duly asked to leave, as I was not keeping up with the required work... I realised I needed a job to make ends meet, as the rent had gone up and up, and funds were steadily declining... After months of trying I got one as a factory hand, sweeping up, doing odd jobs and some assembly of High voltage connectors, for $10 an hour part time. An ascension school student in the same situation as me came to stay for a few weeks and stayed for over a year, so I got rent contributions from her; but then "karma" between us hit the fan, and after a traumatic time she left - and a few weeks later I lost my factory job... so suddenly income was down $200 or so a week - difficult to make it up by economies! I couldn't get another job, and decided to try to make some money through internet businesses, as 'everyone else' was doing; simply lost $2000 on that and was scammed for $1200 more, so all attempts at bringing in financial support failed miserably. Every time I attempted it, I wasted more of my dwindling money! Looked for a rented place that would cost less in the area - no such animal was found, other than some out-of-the-way absolute dumps miles away...

I took counseling, and it was agreed that "the situation could not go on as is"; but other than that, no help was forthcoming. I took a job as a door-to-door salesman by way of catalogue sales... after three weeks I tossed it in, as I was exhausted by toiling up hill and down dale on foot in 35 degree heat, making 'peanuts' - as of course others were doing it too... "rats, rats, and quadruple rats!!!" Damn and Blast into the bargain. I had been cornered; and HAD to do something before the money required to make a move was gone - then I wouldn't be able to move, and I wouldn't be able to stay... I would be homeless! And wanted to avoid that if at all possible!!!

Well, my son and daughter-in-law in Darwin said they would put me up if I wanted to move there, for $100 a week - less than half what I was paying; and so I tested it and got the go-ahead. That would perhaps enable me to slowly save up a bit of reserve... Of course, these things take time to organise; I had a garage sale of all inessential belongings, and sold half of it at give-away prices, but made $1000 or so. The rest of the stuff was given to St. Vincent de Paul. I finally got a credit card from the bank (had been using a debit card), which would allow me to make up the short-fall to move my remaining stuff to the other side of Australia and have my car shipped over as well - driving it myself about 8,000 kms on desert roads was not really a safe nor economical option. By that time, my family in Darwin had lost their rented place and eventually got another after several excruciating weeks at a friend's place - but there was still a room for me. So - I took the most economical flight to Darwin, and arrived in the middle of the night in the hot build-up to the Wet Season. With money virtually gone, I knew I couldn't move again, though at least I had made it here...

After about six months and some terrible family rows over a drinking problem (not mine), the family had to move again. I had had a "voluntary" job helping a friend of my son set up some computer programs for his business, on the understanding that if he made any money, he would share with me - if he didn't, stiff luck. No other employment was available, so I spent four months with him - got a few hundred dollars, and had an enjoyable time, as it was what I could do, and he was a philosophical type of chap and we enjoyed each other's company. However, all good things come to an end, so they say. When the family got notice to move out, rents had gone up considerably and a minimum sized house was about $80 dearer. I decided to see if I could get my own little bed-sitter to both take the pressure off them and get away from the rows and trash-filled surroundings they seemed to exist in. I did take a stand during one of the rows, and promptly got told to take my things and piss off... I thought, woops, I better be careful here - haven't the money to do that yet!

Anyway, I took leave of absence from my "job", and after several anxious weeks and a number of refusals, found a place that suited at just over the maximum rental I could afford... I negotiated it downwards by $5 a week, got accepted and moved in. The rental agent seemed surprised that all the references I had supplied proved to be genuine... do I look like a hobo, I wonder? Do they get heaps of bullsh*t artists? I must admit that I have an unusual-looking moustache...
My business friend had by this time decided to quit, sell up and leave for parts unknown, so any hope of further money, references or anything from that quarter evaporated.

It was about this time or a few weeks before that I discovered the Desteni website, after seeing a post on a spiritual forum I was visiting. It took me a while to explore the site and digest the material and ideas that I met with there... Eventually I joined the forum, and later was invited to join the Private Forum as a member who was "seriously interested" in applying the knowledge. I had to "up the ante" with my internet connection from dial-up to broadband, and when the dial-up failed on one occasion I took the hint and did it; but of course this technology requires the spondulux to support it - you can't expect to get it for nothing... Got it for half-price as an introductory offer for 9 months, but after that its five times the price of dial-up, so I may have to go back to dial-up soon... but 24 month contract, penalty payment if quitting before that time... tsk tsk! The money never ceases to be shelled out!!! They get it away from me one way or another! If I have to move from here they'll want a reconnection fee as well...

Well, I'm three months away from the end of my lease. The place is on the market to sell, and the owners are putting the pressure on the land agent to get it sold, ASAP. Rentals have gone up a whopping forty percent this year... I can't really expect to continue here for a few dollars extra a week - even if the new owner doesn't want occupancy himself.

So - this is the background of my "fear of lack of money" and "fear of homelessness" - though there may be other experiences that I'm tapping into that I'm not conscious of. Well, there's a general atmosphere of anxiety among pensioners here as housing demand suddenly far exceeds the supply; and many are finding the rapidly escalating food and petrol prices a problem as well. I still haven't been able to pay off my credit card...

What self-forgivenesses and corrections do I get out of that?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my expression is governed by money;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on money to get me out of trouble, instead of the direction of that which I AM;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that money is king in my world;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that situations are to assist me in waking up to the Real Me, and to express the Real Me;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my situation on "someone out there" when it is a reflection of what's going on inside me;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimised by the circumstances;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be "given the sh*ts" by what is happening to others close to me, instead of standing stable, as in "I AM Here - I remain";
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judgemental about the lifestyle of my closest relatives;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unable to find a suitable home for the next period of time;

These acceptances and allowances are not representative of Who I Am; I direct myself as Who I Am as One as All as Equal;
I direct my mind to STOP THESE THOUGHTS that are based on Separation and Illusion - as FEAR is "False Evidence Appearing Real"; I allow Who I Really Am to express itself in my world.

Beautiful morning - Interesting Experience...

This morning early, after the Desteni chat session, I decided that as it seemed to be coming up to a beautiful day - very little cloud or wind - that I would attempt the bike ride to the local large shopping mall, which I estimated to be about an hour's journey away as some of it is uphill, which I would have to walk. Well, I did walk some of the way, but it only took me three quarters of an hour. I took along a bill to pay; but then I realised, its Sunday, they won't be open. Anyway, I proved to myself that the trip there was able to be done in about 45 minutes; the return journey took about 35.

On the way back - nearly home - I stopped for a rest at one of the beach-side picnic tables, under the shade of a large fig tree; and while I was sitting there, I was joined by a wiry-looking individual wearing shorts and carrying a backpack, who also came for a rest and a drink of water from the nearby drinking fountain. He seemed in talkative mood, and we got talking.

It seems that he was in a heck of a lot of trouble, and I was reminded of B's saying I would need to choose my words carefully in any assistance I gave... This man, who probably was not of Aboriginal extraction, but had an Aboriginal wife and kids, had apparently got on the wrong side of one of the "high-ups" associated with the police, and as a result, the police had been harrassing him and had broken down his house doors to get in and search the place. This left it unlockable; and thieves had got in and stolen most of his possessions and taken them to the local pawn shop thingy to get money. The shop has to report all intakes to the police in case they've been stolen; they knew these things were stolen, but the police would do nothing about it. Meanwhile, my man friend had threatened the neighbour because (he says) he knew he was implicated, and consequently had a court order made against him that he couldn't come within 500 metres of his neighbour's place - effectively denying him the use of his own home! Well of course, he said to himself that this was unbelievably ridiculous, and went to get some belongings from his own house, and was immediately "shopped" by the neighbours; and now faces another court case about that. His children have been taken into care by the government and secreted away, his wife is goodness knows where and he's out on the street, homeless as of now. There's lots more that I won't go into; but it did appear on the face of it, that this man's world has just crashed around his ears in a most exasperating and even terrifying way.

It is apparent to me that this situation (as far as I am concerned) is a test - what will I do? I have to say that my life up until now has never brought up for me such a situation, even as personal hearsay; but of course we have been warned that things will get tougher and more and more crazy... so this is probably a taste of what is to come. I decided that I would at least be a "good listener" and let the man get it off his chest - he said at one point that he was desperate and just about "losing it"...

I had been warned by my own son when I came to this town that the Aboriginal people were violent and really bad news to get entangled with; it appears that this man has done just that, and is paying for it big-time. Of course, its just systems going berserk... but a mighty dangerous situation to be in. Alcohol and drug abuse are a real problem in this area - I hadn't realised the extent of this until I got here.

So anyway, when the man asked for some money for something to eat, I had to evaluate for myself, is this story a lot of clever BS or is this man in real need of a little support? I find it very hard to decide on this... breathe, GodFree, breathe!
But in the end I decided to support him by giving him $10 to get breakfast, and he did say he would take it as a loan, and when he got his situation sorted out, he would repay me. So we'll see what happens. I didn't have any contrary indication when making this decision, although I realise that these things are subtle, and I could have been self-dishonest somewhere in my motivation. I have to admit that I felt a bit mean to be contemplating denying this man a few dollars while I'm sitting beside a shiny new bike - obviously with enough money to buy that... so that's something I must forgive self for... and after all, he is another part of me! And I would not want to be in his situation - which is a fear thing that also needs to be released. I think that's the major mirror for me - this thing of staring an uncertain future in the face. At least I'm not a violent person on the surface; but I recognise that I may be underneath, in the unconscious. And I have never been able to deal effectively with violent people, but they must be a mirror for me somehow.

One is advised to review what happens in these events, look at what could be done with more effectiveness, and integrate that. There are a number of things I could have pointed out to this chap - that violence begets more violence, that getting even is not a healthy option, that clarity as to what one's aims truly are is important, that all life is one, for instance.

I have found it particularly difficult to word forgiveness statements for this event - this tends to reveal that self-honesty is not present - I will have to go deeper into this at length. Perhaps more to follow...

Later:

Fears are the main things I see to forgive and clear -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the possibility of becoming homeless;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to the belief that I could be worthy of not having any place to go to in this world;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I could be attacked and violated by someone;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering from an attack before I die;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering from privation and hunger unto death;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about having a new bicycle and yet not being willing to share my resources, and thus being governed in my actions by this guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a negative reaction if I direct, as all as one as equal, a person whose words reveal that they need direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to become aware as me, as all as one as equal, of what action to take in a situation that arises.

I AM HERE: I do not accept or allow these fears or guilty feelings any more; I express Who I Am without fear and with self-honesty as the breath, as Life!